She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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