I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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