The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
