If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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