I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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