Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
