I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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