dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
