I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
