I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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