I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
