just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
