phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
