Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
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I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
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If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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