Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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