And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
