it was like his penis was on wheels.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
