just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
