My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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