new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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