I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
where are my eyebrows?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
