I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
my nose is crying tears of wow.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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