Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
