Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
just found out that she named her cat after me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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