The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm too high and old for this...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
