Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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