operation harelip BJ is a go
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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