Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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