real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
