i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
