Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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