Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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