If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
