She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
