i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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