i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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