Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
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