I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
