her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
