I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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