he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
