I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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