eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
