Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
