Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
