SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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