I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
