That's when you crack a 10am beer
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
