don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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