Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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