Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize