I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
