i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.