What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
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Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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