Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
