I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
