I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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