I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
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she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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